coming and going

by now, i have survived living and teaching in washington dc for about 4 months. quite an accomplishment! being home was interesting and strange. it felt good to be home but at the same time, it's not home for me anymore. i think the best thing was to see my family and friends who i haven't seen in such a long time. but i think when the time to go came, i was ready. i find myself less independent when with my parents and i feel like their expectations are different for me.

coming back to teach was okay. we started on a thursday with a half day on friday so the week went by quickly. i think it was better this way, although i did complain about having to come back early for two days. if we had started on a monday, the week would have been a lot rougher and i do not think i would be as well planned. i came back with a lot more patience but i also lost my patience more quickly. my goal for the next school year is to be the teacher that the students say is mean on the first day of school. or after the first week. that would be the best compliment :D hah...i am definitely out of shape teaching-wise and it's hard to get back into the groove of lesson planning.

i'm finding that i am not as confident as i was at the end of last month and that i feel like i have not been doing a good job at all. i didn't follow the pacing guides...i didn't follow the instructional focus calendars...i didn't think it would make a difference. why did i think that? i have no idea! i just feel like my kids haven't learned anything so far! four months have passed and really, what have i taught them? what will these students take away from this year? i don't want them to go to third grade and know nothing...not only does that reflect badly on me (quite a selfish point) but they would flop in third grade! i'm supposed to be uplifting them and teaching them things so they can survive in third grade but i'm not doing any of that! why would anyone trust a first year teacher with their kids???????

yikes!

needless to say, i'm having quite a conundrum over my own teaching abilities and am trying to find the confidence i had last month. where did it go?